I needed to call Ally Bank. How long do you think it took me to get a customer service person? Wrong! I immediately got an actual human person who quickly verified I was me — which was reassuring — and gave me the information I needed. What kind of way to run a bank is that? No brain-dead artificial intelligence voice response system. No "experiencing an unusually large volume of calls." Amazing. Unfortunately, then ...

A computer program I'd originally purchased years ago — and now, of course, get to pay for annually — suddenly regurgitated an ad up onto my screen. I don't mean a pop-up on their website. I wasn't on their website. I was in Word, working on my column in blissful ignorance of the hell that was fast approaching. The offending ad covered the entire right side of my document. A full quarter of my screen. AND IT COULDN'T BE REMOVED OR MOVED!

At least not by anything I could think of. No nice little X on the upper right-hand corner. No little line to minimize it. Nothing inside the ad that I could click to make it depart. Just a link to buy more products I now hate. There had to be a way to shut this thing down.

I called the company. Not pleased. But their AI voice system wouldn't send me to anyone until it verified who I was. Which took a while. Then it needed to know why I was calling. Which it couldn't understand. So, it was interviewing me. And we were going around in circles. Finally, in frustration, I yelled," Customer service — human being." And it replied, "We're sorry you want to cancel your subscription." Which I didn't. Because I've already paid for the entire year. But now, it was trying to cancel my account.

More yelling. Not from the AI system. Finally, we were both thoroughly confused. Then it stuck me in a queue with yes, "an unusually high volume of calls." In time — plenty of it — I reached a woman who spoke rapidly in a language that was, at least occasionally, English. Hundreds of people seemed to be talking in the background. I guess their ads were generating results.

Again, all I wanted was for her to tell me how to make the ad go away. But no, first she also had to verify my identity because apparently she didn't trust the voice system's verification. And she needed two-factor verification, perhaps because she didn't trust herself either. So she sent me an email, which in turn sent me to a "mark the squares with traffic signals" test. Unfortunately, the test and I clearly did not agree on the definition of a traffic signal. Eventually, the test gave up and switched me to squares with motorcycles, which, as an honors graduate of a major university, I passed after only three tries.

So now I was triple verified. But she still wouldn't tell me how to get rid of the ad. That was apparently not information I could be trusted with. I might tell somebody. No, she had to take over my computer and kill the beast herself.

We went through the whole rigmarole of getting her into my computer. She dove deep into the offending program's settings, so quickly I couldn't quite see where she went, and she wouldn't say. The ad vanished. Ta-duh! But then she grabbed the browser. I yelled, "Do NOT delete my usernames and passwords." She said, "Of course not," while deleting all my usernames and passwords.

I didn't need anything else from Ally Bank. I called them anyway. Just to make sure I hadn't imagined them.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his Substack at www.barrymaher.com.

To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Quino Al at Unsplash